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Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon
Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a minute."
The famous
surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped
his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves
out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when
you an' me is doing basically da same work?"
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and said to Morris the loudmouth mechanic.
"Try doing it with the engine running."
The New Priest
The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked
the Monsignor how he could relax.
The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the
water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly."
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion
into practise and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from
the Monsignor:
Dear Father,
1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
5. The recommended
grace before meals is not "Rub-a dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
6. We do not refer to our Saviour,
Jesus Christ and his disciples as "J.C. and the Boys."
7. David slew Goliath, he did not "Kick the shit
out of him."
8. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't pass water.
9. We don't refer to Judas as "El
Finko."
10. The Pope is consecrated not castrated, and we don't refer to him as "The Godfather."
11.
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say,
"Eat me."
12. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his Donkey, he wasn't "stoned off his ass."
13. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook."
14. It is
always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the cherry."
15. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be
a Taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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